Endings, Leavings & New Beginnings

“Endings have the longest tail and are rarely attended to with due care.

– John Whittington, Constellations Teacher & Facilitator


Reflections from Agnieszka [following her resignation from Sanctus]

So, I was told to write this part of the Newsreel this month. I did not volunteer. It’s so personal, why do it? Bleed on the page…

A few weeks ago, I resigned from my role as a Sanctus Head Coach. Hrisi’s eyes got moist and so did mine. We talked for 3 hours that night. And then some. The reasons are not complicated, nor is it a hate crime. I had felt a split, a painful ambivalence for some time but after the deed was done, I was at peace. I believe my role as a Head Coach is done.

It’s ironic because I ran a 360-feedback for myself at Sanctus just last December, to be a better HC, a better human, and a colleague. It was a re-take of the same assessment I did 5 years ago and I was hungry again, I wanted to learn, I was feeling edgy, a touch radical. And as it sometimes happens, a couple of comments just whispered at me “it’s time, hun, it’s time.” Ugh. They say, the truth will set you free but first it will piss you off. They are right. Every time. The scary truth is that I was longing to step up, and to create something that’s mine, and that’s LeaderKind, my private practice. It has been playing second fiddle lately and for far too long.

I find we don’t often talk about the painful part of making choices. Especially when we decide to let the beloved out of sight, and over time, out of mind. For me, letting the Sanctus option go, was like putting a baby in a basket and sending it down the river. People are excited for me and I am grateful. Grateful to have come, grateful to have received life’s lessons. I am irreverent by design and collaboration, albeit beautiful, is hard for me, it’s confronting. I can get angry with people or bored; I sometimes feel hurt and abandoned. I am too direct, I hunt elephants in the room. And that’s ok, in fact, if I don’t get to these, I don’t think I am actually doing it right. But here, with this crowd, I also had moments of such intense connection, honesty and love, forgiveness, healing and kindness, I am starting to think notice periods were invented to serve as a torture chamber. Frankly, I am feeling a little bit mental. Resigning was the easy part, now I am facing the protracted leaving extravaganza. “Endings have the longest tail and are rarely attended to with due care” is my favourite John Whittington’s quote. I quite like to offer it to my clients, perhaps because myself, I don’t do endings very well. I don’t do them at all. Knowing me, I am likely to fall out with everybody by the time my HC tenure is done. Just to make a point, that it was the right thing to do. Find the strength to push away. Make it easier to turn my back on them. This bunch of Snowflakes.

Why do we come, why do we go? A thousand different narratives, a new intention every day, forgotten half way through the afternoon. I am stunned by the emotions filling me these days. I feel a sense of vitality, confidence and clarity about myself, who I am and my unique shape in the world. And as every day gets a little closer for the bygones to be bygones, when I think of the people, my people I am leaving behind, I feel raw and tender and a little broken-hearted. They say, there’s more room in a broken heart. And they are right. Every time.

 

18 March 2022